Dating and Marriage in the US

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Hello,everyone and welcome to America under the microscope advanced episode.Hi，LuLu.

Hi,James,let's continue with the relationship,talk or family and marriage.

Marriage！

Hum! First of all,is marriage still seen as an essential thing?

Nope.In fact,marriage rate has been falling over the past 15 years.It has felt 9%.

Wow.

So fewer and fewer people are getting married.

But doesn't necessarily mean people are not having relationships and living together?

No, people are still Cohabitating .They still having long term relationships. It's just, fewer people are just going through the paperwork to be married.

Because they don't want the trouble because they…

Partially don't want the trouble.There sometimes aren't really any legal benefits of it.Because there are legal benefits of being married like tax benefits and things like that.But in some cases you may not get any.

But usually when do people get married if they do?

It's in their thirties,that's the most common age .

And if you're in your thirties and then you're not married,will people judge you in any way?

No,not really.Almost people just stay out of it. It's not uncommon for people to be not married in the thirties and forties in America now.It’s still common for ..you know...maybe they were married before and then the marriage didn't end well. So it's just a lot more complex.

You know that whole Chinese idea that has been around in the past decades this whole idea of剩女. I'm personally, I really don't like the idea,but is there similar sort of social stigma attach to especially women? For man,it seems to be okay,but for women after a certain age and people start to wonder why she not getting married.

So ageism? Not really.So if you mean to come across,let's say a 33 year old woman,as I can she's not married,most Americans would pay no attention to it.

Does it have anything to do with whether it's in a big city or like a smaller community?

Yeah,that would have a big impact.So if you're in a small town,you definitely notice it more.But in a big city you kinda just blend in with the masses.

And for people who live together,do they still have any of these rights because I know in the UK, for people who cohabit they are still afforded some legal rights as long as you can prove you you've spent enough time living together as a couple .

Yeah,we call that common-law marriage.

I think it’s the same…

Yes.We do have that. So if you live together long enough,a cohabit a long enough,you'll be afforded some of the same rights as a traditionally married couple will get,like split-up property is separated. You'll get rights to visitation and hospitals and stuff like that.

Okay. Now let's move on to the opposite side,divorce.Is it getting more and more common?

It hasn't really changed much in the past 20 years,but it's about 40% of marriages fail.

In China, it's shooting up as well.So basically now it's probably seen as a very very common place.

So right. In America there's absolutely no stigma attached divorce anymore. It's so common.It was like,Oh, you're divorced.Okay.

And like kids from divorced parents.They're also somehow adapting to it.

I'm a kid from divorced parents,it's hard on the kids,it's always hard on the kids from your parents split-up.But I mean, having kids with step parents and parents who remarry in America it's just...just the standard now. It was, honestly when I was going to university…When I was at Sydney University,it was actually very odd to find a kid that had parents…

The original…

That were still married. It's like, I knew one, it's like Your parents are still married?Like I have a lot of other friends like divorced, divorced, divorced parents.It was…

Divorced and probably remarried.

Yeah.It's quite common.Quite, quite common.

What about having kids out of wedlock?Because you were saying that people cohabits they live together for years and some of them will have kids. Will this kid get equal legal right?

Yeah,it is. Be considered a kid,there will be no ramifications for the child. Get all full paperwork, citizenship passport, ID, go to school, no problems at all. And nowadays kid won't be looked down upon because there is a staggering amount of kids born out of wedlock.

And especially if their parents are actually together,they just never got married.

They're in a stable home, loving parents. Yeah,that just don't have that piece of paper from the government.

But what about the general view?The thing is what I have observed is if you compare reality with what you see on TV or in movies.A lot of people seem to get that idea from TVs, movies that Americans are very open,a super sort of...let's say...progressive and maybe very casual about the idea of family.But based on my observation experience in reality,people are actually quite conservative in America when it comes to the whole family value and all that.

Yeah.Most Americans would say it's better to be married or in a long term relationship before you have kids.Most Americans would also view that you should try to avoid being a single parent as it does make parenting much harder. So no Americans are tend to be more conservative and traditional when it comes to family. Now they're open to like non- traditional styles of family.But they still think you should have like especially when it comes to kids a stable home.

Like parents in sort of steady relationship.

Right.

And how is the general public in the United States responding to all of these changes,for example,like fewer and fewer people are bother to get married?

It depends on which age you ask. Young people that's their norm. And for the older generations...they... some people just think people are just losing their values. I think that's true about any generation in any time there's a change in a culture.

One thing I'm always quite curious about, is the general public attitude towards cheating. Is cheating seen as a very serious thing? I mean, by general.

Yeah, it's considered very bad,not just from the people in the relationship,but even your friends might look down upon you because you're being dishonest.

So let's just imagine if you have a close friend or a colleague that you've known for years and like, and then you find out he or she is actually cheating on their partner.Would that actually change how you fundamentally see them as a person?

Most likely.

And it is that very common for,let's say,probably average Americans?

Yeah,it would be quite common because this is…So in general,if people cheat on each other,you don't just lose your partner,you can also lose friends in this. Because they can lose respect for you, because you would have been better off. It's like if you're not happy with this person,why didn't you just break up with them and move on. And then you wouldn't have lost your friends this way. But the act of it's just about loyalty and honesty and does affect your character.

It's like… To be honest ,whenever people start to talk about the topic of cheating,you always hear people say like Ah,yeah, but in this country people cheat as well.But I'm usually not very interested in the cheater or the person who's being cheated on,but more on the bystander's attitudes because I always feel like that really says about the society and its values rather than, because in any culture you'll have cheaters.

Right.

They usually just do it out of the same reasons,but the bystanders how they stand that really is what determines what family values and all that. And this is also how I feel. It seems that in some cultures,people are less tolerant.The bystanders... the people are less tolerant.

Yeah, Americans tend to be,but on the less tolerant on this one.

And if it's a public figure, would that potentially damage?

Hurt their image? Yes.It can hurt their image very much.

That was years back.It was people running for president because they found out that he's cheated and he had to drop out of the campaign or the…

It probably happened. I'm not aware of anything.

Okay.Right.So if you are listening to the show and if you have anything to ask or if you have anything to share based on your own experience or your understanding.Don't forget to leave us a comment in the comment section.Thank you,James for coming here to studio and to talk to us about this topic.

Thank you for having me,LuLu. And thank you all for listening.

We'll see you next time.

Bye.

Bye.