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机械物体Mechanical Objects

Someone asked me if I would tell this story. A long time ago. . . It's a wierd story. It was out in Los Angeles and I was at a party with a very big Hollywood producer, and at that time he wanted to make an elaborate cinemascope musical comedy out of the Dewey Decimal System.

And they wanted me to work on it, and I go out to the producers building in downtown Los Angeles, and I walk into his elevator, and there are no people in the elevator, no buttons on the wall or anything. And I hear a voice say, " Kindly call out your floors, please." And I look around, and I'm alone.

And I panic, and I read on the wall, that is a new elevator and it works on a sonic principle and it all sound. All I have to do is say what floor I wanna got to, and it takes me there. So I say, " Three, please" , and the doors close and the elevator starts going up to three.

And on the way up I began to feel very self-conscious, 'cause I talk, I think, with a slight New York accent, and the elevator spoke quite well. I get out of it, and I'm walking down the hall, and I look back, and I thought I heard the elevator make a remark.

I turned quickly and the doors closed and the elevator goes down, you know, and I. . . didn't wanna get involved at the time with an elevator in Hollywood. But this is the strange part of the story, the other was the normal part I have never in my life had good relationships with mechanical objects of any sort.

Anything that I can't reason with or kiss or fondle, I get into trouble with. I have a clock that runs counter-clockwise for some reason. My toaster pops up my toast and shakes it, burns it.

I hate my shower. I'm taking a shower, and somebody in America uses his water. That's it for me, you know, I leap from the tub scolded.

I have a tape recorder, I payed a hundred and fifty dollars for, and as I talk into it, it goes " I know, I know." About three years ago I couldn't stand it anymore.

I was home one night. I called a meeting with my posessions. I got everything I owned into the living room. My toaster, my clock, my blender.

They never been in the living room before. And I spoke to them. I opened with a joke. And then I said, " I know what's going on, and cut it out! "

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