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卷福在华生婚礼上的伴郎致辞

I'm afraid John, I can't congratulate you.

All emotions and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things.

A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world.

Today we honour the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society and in time one feels certain our entire species.

But anyway, let's talk about John.

If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, this is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own, that he has overlooked in his obsession with me.

Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.

It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel, and contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.

The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have misfortune to meet.

I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy.

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