Part 4

Building a posse also means acknowledging our friends' challenges. Before I lost Dave, if a friend was going through something hard, I would usually say I am sorry – once. And then I wouldn't bring it up again because I didn't want to remind them of their pain. Losing my husband taught me how absurd that was – you can't remind me I lost Dave. But like I had done with others, when people failed to mention it, it felt like there was a big, old elephant following me around everywhere I went.

It's not only death that ushers in the elephant. You want to completely silence a room? Say you have cancer, that your father went to jail, that you just lost your job. We retreat into silence just when we need each other the most. Now, not everyone is going to want to talk about everything all the time. But saying to a friend, "I know you are suffering and I am here with you" can kick a very ugly elephant out of any room.

If you are in someone's posse, don't just offer to help in a generic way. Before I lost Dave, when a friend was in need, I would say, "Is there anything I can do? " And I meant it kindly – the problem is, that question kind of shifts the burden to the person in need. And when people asked me, I didn't know how to answer the question. "Can you make Father's Day go away? " Here's a different approach. When my friend Dan Levy's son was sick in the hospital, a friend texted him and said, "What do you not want on a burger? " Another friend texted from the lobby and said "I'm in the lobby of the hospital for a hug for the next hour whether you come down or not."

You don't have to do something huge. You don't have to wait for someone to tell you exactly what they need. And you do not have to be someone's best friend from the first grade to show up. If you are there for your friends, and let them be there for you – if you laugh together until your sides ache, if you hold each other as you cry, and maybe even bring them a burger with the wrong toppings before they ask – that won't just make you more resilient, it will help you lead a deeper and more meaningful life.

We also build collective resilience through shared narratives. That might sound light – how important can a story be? But stories are vital. They're how we explain our past and they are how we set expectations for our future. And they help us build the common understanding that creates a community in the first place.

Every time your friends tell their favorite tales – like, I don't know, when Tech beat U. V. A. in double overtime – you strengthen your bonds to each other.